Thanks for the shout-out Lisa! Something I've noticed in my own life, as I've got older (I'm in my 60s now) and also my potential-parenthood years are long behind me (and my heart has healed) is that I'm able to be much more open to empathising and understanding the struggles of parenthood, without it triggering me. However, I'm sad to say that I still meet very few parents who are willing to extend the same level of empathic, respectful curiosity to what it's like to live a childless life... They do exist, but even if they 'try' to understand, I often feel like they still default to 'pity', which is an empathic dead end. So I rarely share very much about my inner world and private life with them, apart from the occasional gentle comment to point out how different things might be for me, for example, around Mother's Day. I drop these remarks gently, like snowflakes, expecting them to flutter unnoticed to the ground and melt away. But once in a while, a parent catches them, and 'sees' me. Like you, I save my deepest reflections for my childless/free friends and colleagues. And my writing. Thank you for this piece. Hugs, Jody x
Well said Lisa. This bit especially resonated with me -
“Really listen to what they’re telling you— even if you don’t agree with the particulars, this is their lived experience and has value. It’s not a competition, so don’t feel like you have to one-up each other. Just listen.”
I’ve long been annoyed by fake empathy in the form of one-upmanship.
Great writing Lisa. Pregnancy announcements can be so very hard - I was blindsided by one a few years ago, which bearing in mind I was in my late fifties and at peace with my childlessness, my (inner) reaction took me by surprise. I've also been surprised by a dear friend who didn't feel she could tell me she was going to become a grandmother until the birth was imminent, in case it upset me...@JessicaHepburn invented a lovely word for these times 'melanjoy'.
Thanks for the shout-out Lisa! Something I've noticed in my own life, as I've got older (I'm in my 60s now) and also my potential-parenthood years are long behind me (and my heart has healed) is that I'm able to be much more open to empathising and understanding the struggles of parenthood, without it triggering me. However, I'm sad to say that I still meet very few parents who are willing to extend the same level of empathic, respectful curiosity to what it's like to live a childless life... They do exist, but even if they 'try' to understand, I often feel like they still default to 'pity', which is an empathic dead end. So I rarely share very much about my inner world and private life with them, apart from the occasional gentle comment to point out how different things might be for me, for example, around Mother's Day. I drop these remarks gently, like snowflakes, expecting them to flutter unnoticed to the ground and melt away. But once in a while, a parent catches them, and 'sees' me. Like you, I save my deepest reflections for my childless/free friends and colleagues. And my writing. Thank you for this piece. Hugs, Jody x
Well said Lisa. This bit especially resonated with me -
“Really listen to what they’re telling you— even if you don’t agree with the particulars, this is their lived experience and has value. It’s not a competition, so don’t feel like you have to one-up each other. Just listen.”
I’ve long been annoyed by fake empathy in the form of one-upmanship.
Great writing Lisa. Pregnancy announcements can be so very hard - I was blindsided by one a few years ago, which bearing in mind I was in my late fifties and at peace with my childlessness, my (inner) reaction took me by surprise. I've also been surprised by a dear friend who didn't feel she could tell me she was going to become a grandmother until the birth was imminent, in case it upset me...@JessicaHepburn invented a lovely word for these times 'melanjoy'.