If you are enjoying the fortnightly discussions with our writers, please consider becoming a paid subscriber or buy me a coffee. Alternatively, liking, sharing and commenting are great ways to show your appreciation.
Ahh Joe Guay, what can I say about this man? What a decent soul. A true, authentic gent.
It was pure coincidence that I got Joe on for a LIVE chat during PRIDE month, but it was fitting. For many years Joe was hiding himself in a relationship with a woman. Like many people, I suspect when the pain of hiding who he really was became harder than the anticipated pain of being out in the world as his true self, Joe came out.
I was interested to hear if Joe received different comments pushing fatherhood on him when he came out as a gay man in comparison to when he was with a woman. In his answer to this, it seems the difference in comments was more age and situational and locational based.
Have you read Joe’s piece? This is the piece that we discussed.
Joe has a beautiful and distinct writing style. He purveys his message with humour and grace. No blaming or shaming, but full of self-reflection and lessons we can all learn from.
The main premise of the piece we discussed is set out in the title. When Joe caught himself admiring a young dad in the grocery store, he found himself wanting to be him. He longed to be regarded in the same way that he was regarding this dad. But after reflecting on this he realised one key factor was missing. He didn’t actually want kids.
I love, love how he wraps his piece up by recognising that he wasn’t admiring the man’s fathering skills, rather he was just admiring him, he was simply checking him out. But please do read it for yourself as I can’t do the humour justice.
It was gracious of Joe to recognise that women come under far more scrutiny to have children than men do. He is right. However, just because men get fewer comments, this doesn’t mean it impacts them less. Men are still underrepresented in the childfree and childless communities and I believe it is important that we encourage their voices into the mix. Their lived experiences are valid and important.
So men - I urge you to speak out on this. How does not having kids make you feel? What are your experiences?
As always with these conversations we went on a few tangents, as it’s just too tempting not to when in the throes of an interesting discussion. But something I loved learning was that while Joe speaks encouragingly about being a mentor for young people, he himself volunteers with four older men by being a call buddy.
What a guy! He is showing up as a villager in this big village we have on planet earth. We recognised that as cliché as the assumption is, having kids does not guarantee support in later life. And actually we must all work hard at being decent humans, who others want to spend time with, if we want to ensure we have some sort of support network in our older life.
I believe passionately in intergenerational relationships and connection. This reminds me very much of all the work Jody Day is doing with her Alterkin project.
A huge thanks to Joe for bringing his whole, authentic self to my little corner of Substack. It’s not easy to be unapologetically ourselves when we tread the path less trodden. But when we do find ways to express our true selves, it often brings connection, love and support like nothing else can. And for those of us so used to hiding and concealing, it can also feel quite scary being so vulnerable and open.
Joe - you got this buddy, I can’t wait to read and publish more of your work at Life Without Children. You are a true gem.
Useful links
Joe writes on many topics. You can follow him here on Substack at his publication Recovering People Pleaser.
You can also follow him on Medium.
And please, if you read one more piece of Joe’s make it this one. This is the piece I found Joe through and immediately followed him.
They Never Ask About Us, So Is It Narcissism, Nerves or Rudeness
I hope you enjoy watching this discussion as much as we enjoyed having it.
We have an exciting schedule of LIVE discussions coming up. Pop these in your calendar, and if you have any burning questions you would like me to pose to any of these writers, please drop them in the comments here.
Thursday, 17th July, at 18:00 (GMT+1), with
Discussing her article: What Our Hair Says About Our Expectation to Procreate
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
Thursday, 31st July, at 18:00 (GMT+1) with .
Discussing her article: We're Too Easy on Selfish Parents
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
Thursday, 14th August, at 18:00 (GMT+1) with
Discussing her article Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Isn’t a Joke, But I Made It One
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
Thursday, 28th August, at 18:00 (GMT+1) with
Discussing her article What Is It Like, Being Childless?
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
Please note that as of September these LIVE discussions will become monthly and will fall on the first Thursday of each month.
If you know anyone else who may benefit from Life Without Children, please tell them about us.
You can find us in other online spaces.
How to Write with Us | Instagram | Substack | Medium | Threads
