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First off, huge apologies to anyone who tuned in on Thursday 31st July - when Kristen Tsetsi and I were meant to have our Substack LIVE. Unfortunately, I was having tech issues, so we decided to reschedule.
It was worth the wait.
Kristen’s voice was one of the first I came across, many years ago now, when I started looking for others who were also childfree. As part of The Childfree Girls, Kristen is no stranger to navigating difficult conversations and flipping the script on ridiculous things said about childfree people.
The childfree are so used to being called selfish that it’s one of society’s synonyms for us. But no one dares call parents selfish. Perhaps we should.
I experienced several “aha” moments during this conversation with Kristen.
Our conversation in this Substack LIVE centres around Kristen’s essay We’re Too Soft on Selfish Parents, which was originally published with Life Without Children on Medium.
There’s something so perverse about people intentionally opting out of having children - sometimes for the welfare of their unborn child - being called selfish. While society applauds and reveres those who mindlessly opt in, knowing fine well their kids have a high risk of hereditary disease and may experience a lifetime of excessive suffering.
Let me put it another way - it’s pretty selfish for someone to put their wants and needs before the welfare of an unconceived and unborn child.
I asked Kristen if the childfree will ever be unable to unshackle themselves from the label selfish. She had some insightful suggestions for what needs to be in place first to achieve this. Something I particularly appreciate is the way she said that we should stop trying to reclaim the world selfish.
I think she is absolutely right. No one brags about being an asshole, so why are there childfree people who are using the word selfish as a flex?
Something I always say is that if it’s selfish not to have children, it’s selfish to have them, because ultimately, we are all just doing what we want. But the reality is that neither choice is inherently selfish.
I mention briefly how to live is to suffer, and how antinatalists don’t believe in procreation at all because of this suffering. I appreciate the positive flip that Kristen puts on this by saying that to live is also to experience love, joy, and wonderment. Because she’s right. Life is a truly wonderful thing.
But…
At what point should someone not bring new life into this world due to the suffering they will endure? And this is the crux of the essay we are discussing.
Over time, I’ve learned to adopt the attitude that if I want others to respect my choice not to have children, I must respect everyone’s choice to have children. However, Kristen had me rethinking this.
In her essay, she writes:
It should be normal to say, “No, I don’t respect everyone’s choice to have a child,” because not everyone should have children.
And while this seems like a bold statement, actually, when we really think about it, she’s right. Not everyone should have children. Sure, that sounds judgy, and it is judgy. But it’s the truth.
There are too many BS reasons out there that people give as to why they had kids. Many of them centre on what the parent has to gain as opposed to what they have to give.
Kristen and I agreed that great potential parents are those who are eager to show a new human the world, to surround them with love and acceptance, and encourage them to grow into themselves without trying to curtail or restrict who they are.
Ultimately, as Kristen says, maybe we are too easy on selfish parents. Maybe it should be normal to question some people who express a desire for children.
What do you think?
Useful links
You can find Kristen Tsetsi on Substack with her publication The Choice.
You may also be interested in her book The Age of the Child and her work with The Childfree Girls.
Check out her website for more information.
Toward the end of the conversation, I mentioned a fabulous Substack writer who writes about parenting outside of the ego and parenting in a way that guides her daughters without curtailing them or projecting onto them. Her parenting style is all about giving her daughters agency, while encouraging them to grow into themselves. This lovely lady is Abby Paradis - Abby if you see this, perhaps you could share in the comments a little bit of info about your parenting style?
I hope you enjoy watching this discussion as much as we enjoyed having it.
We have an exciting schedule of LIVE discussions coming up. Pop these in your calendar, and if you have any burning questions you would like me to pose to any of these writers, please drop them in the comments here.
Thursday, 14th August, at 18:00 (GMT+1) with Alice Cutler
Discussing her article Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Isn’t a Joke, But I Made It One
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
Thursday, 28th August, at 18:00 (GMT+1) with Colleen Addison
Discussing her article What Is It Like, Being Childless?
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
Please note that as of September, these LIVE discussions will become monthly and will fall on the first Thursday of each month.
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