Life Without Children Monthly Review and May Prompt
It's all about regret. Parental regret, the threat of regret, the fear of regret, the shame of regret and maybe even regretting trying for a baby.
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Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. I read the most beautiful words over on Instagram, written by Sam Walsh from The Non-Mum Network. I’ve been given permission to share them with you. Get those tissues at the ready and strap in.
What does infertility feel like?
Imagine a train pulling into your local station and all your friends, family, colleagues and neighbours are eagerly clambering aboard that train, headed for sunny climes. You’d like to go too, but for some unknown reason the person in the ticket office refuses to sell you a ticket. Only you. You beg and plead and use every trick in the book to try and convince them that you deserve to buy that pass and take that journey, just like everyone else. He crosses his arms, steadfast, shaking his head. “But why not?” It makes no sense. “What have I done?” you ask.
You start to become desperate — the train’s about to depart. Disbelief that you’re being denied entry turns to indignation, anger, sadness… and then fear, as you realise that you’re going to be left behind, all alone. You start to become increasingly frantic, but nobody is listening. Everyone on the train is so happy and excited for their own journey that they barely notice you, standing alone on the platform, silent tears running down your face.
As the train pulls away you start to run alongside it, trying to keep up, as you wave your arms and shout, pleading with it to stop and take you, too. But your cries are in vain. The train has picked up speed now and the waving passengers sit back down and turn away, facing towards their destination. You shiver, pulling your clothes around you in the chill of the evening shde. It’s going to be a difficult road ahead, you think, as you turn around and sadly trudge back the way you came, alone.”
Ooft. Breathe in, hold, and exhale. Isn’t this so exquisitely put?
Life Without Children creative prompt for May
Last month’s prompt was all about friendship, specifically how our friendships can survive and even thrive when we take different paths. You can still respond to this prompt if you like.
This month, we are going to explore the topic of regret.
Regret is a strong word. It can feel heavy and negative, sometimes even threatening or shameful. Yet, most of us carry some sort of regret. Whether it’s the regret of something done or not done, or even an imagined regret if we were to follow a path that we don’t feel called to.
Something the childfree often get told is that they will regret not having kids. Parents don’t get told they will regret having them. And yet, thanks to the topic being brought out of the shadows, we know parental regret is far more common than initially believed.
Finally, we are seeing the topic of parental regret reaching mainstream media. The Cut recently published this piece titled I Regret Having Children and The BBC published this piece ‘Like a Trap You Can’t Escape’ The Women Who Regret Being Mothers.
The Facebook page I Regret Having Children has over 100,000 followers and is full of real-life stories of parental regret. I must commend the moderator of this page for their consistently compassionate, balanced and non-judgemental responses.
I applaud the honesty of parents who speak openly and freely about regret. It adds another realistic dimension to the topic of parenting, instead of the unrealistic romanticisation and glorification that pronatalism paints parenting — specifically motherhood — as.
And where do the childless fit into the discussion on regret? Some of my community members have told me they regret even trying to have a child. They regret pursuing IVF and becoming stuck in a system that sucked them dry emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.
May prompt: What is your relationship with regret and reproduction? Are you a parent who is willing to share your experiences of parental regret? Maybe you are childfree, and you know in your core that if you were to have children, you would regret it. Perhaps you are childless and regret having pursued parenthood in the first place. Maybe you are on the fence and worry that one day you will regret not having kids.
Reflections from April at Life Without Children
Responding to our friendship prompt, Maria Garcia uncovers an interesting observation from Sex and the City.
The Childishness of Expecting Your Friends to Never Change When Babies Arrive
New writer Lavanya Devakumar shares with us the impact of childlessness and infertility in her culture and the judgment and salvation of surrogacy.
The World Demands Motherhood, But What Happens When You Can’t?
Alice Cutler responds to our last writing prompt and shares her thoughts on how to make friendships with mothers work.
How Do You Keep Friends After They Become Moms?
Recommendations from outside Life Without Children
There’s one conversation in the kids/no kids discourse that grinds my gears like no other, and that’s the ridiculous debate of whose happier, those with kids or those without and thanks to the publishing of yet another study, this topic has risen to the surface… again. Suggesting that there’s a universal equation for happiness is deeply problematic.
I LOVE this piece in The Guardian by Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett titled Am I Happier For Having A Child? It’s The Wrong Question To Ask. Damn, she manages to answer this so perfectly.
And on the same topic, be sure to listen to the latest podcast episode by Zoë Noble and James Glazebrook of We are Childfree titled “Does Having Kids Make You Happy?”
I have a draft piece in development on this topic as well, to have it drop into your inbox when it publishes, subscribe to Life Without Children.
Something I value about hosting Life Without Children is the opportunity it gives me to connect with incredible people and have interesting, mind-expanding conversations.
This month, I met the inspiring Huong Diep, and we had so much to talk about. Check out her piece titled Childhood by Circumstances, Unlearning the Motherhood Mandate, published with Psychology Today.
We often talk about what not having kids allows us to do instead. I love this piece by Substack writer, Jill Holly, in which she writes about pivoting in her career and life and how she is able to do so precisely because she doesn’t have children.
Meaning-making, purpose and fulfilment are hot-button topics not just in life, but also in the discourse around having kids or not having them. Katie Dunn, who runs the Substack Afterglow, tackles this with eloquence and flair in her recent newsletter.
I love finding new Substack accounts, and I want to give a big Substack welcome to a few new accounts I’ve started following. Not Expecting by Lexi Weber and Worthy Without Children by Chy Black | Childfree Yapper.
What will May bring?
The schedule for May is all set. Subscribe to us for free on Substack to have these pieces drop into your inbox throughout the month.
Subscribe to Life Without Children on Substack to have these pieces drop into your inbox throughout the month.
An Open Letter to My Pregnant Friend by Alice Cutler
How Infertility in the Bible Shapes the Way We View Women Without Children by Charlie Brown
Yeah, I’d Be a Great Mom — But I Wouldn’t Be a Happy One by Maria Cassano
Tips for responding to our prompts
Our creative prompts are a great way to generate thoughts and conversations.
Some people keep a private journal dedicated to our writing prompts, while others prefer to publish their responses with us.
I want to encourage you to respond however feels most comfortable to you, whether that’s creating a TikTok video or Instagram reel, writing a blog post on your own platform, or posting on social media.
Heck, if you want to create a video with interpretive dance, write a poem, or paint something in response to this prompt, please do.
I just ask that where feasible, you use the hashtag #LifeWithoutChildren and maybe even tag Life Without Children, or me personally to ensure I see your work and can share it in the next monthly round-up. Feel free to message me a link to your response.
If your response is in writing format and you want to publish it with us at Life Without Children, here are a few tips.
Absolutely no AI, ever! Please read the submission guidelines.
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As someone who is childless not by choice. I regret not knowing the experience of being pregnant, labour being part of an experience and tribe of belonging being able to be called mother. The chance of knowing who my child looked like and having that opportunity rather than it being taken away of meeting other women having friendships rather than feeling alienated. I regret that the embryos that I had didn’t get implanted and that inexperience joy instead of grief and suffering and subsequently loosing my womb. I don’t regret the time that I have for myself crafting relaxing and being finding myself and who I am rather than defining only as a mother.
Thank you for this! I did my PhD studying parental regret and have lots of stories and experiences (anonymous) from regretful parents. My substack is used to explore this work and share the data with the people it was meant for. If you're curious you can read more! https://substack.com/@chantelleivanski?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=86vtmd