Thanks for your story. I’m 67 now and I know first hand how society makes a child free woman feel. My family never pressured me, but they also did not make me feel especially “belonging”. And the world at large never understood that I just did not want children.
I can’t imagine how tough that must have been. Things are slowly changing and I’m hopeful for the generations coming up behind me. But I think you are of that era where it must have been so tough! It’s been tough enough for me and I’m a generation behind.
Truly awesome article, Ali. But I must say, it made me yearn for one thing, which I know would be impossible:
A rebuttal from your lunatic ex-would-be-mother-in-law
Not because I want to hear her “side of the argument” but because she sounds batshit crazy, and manifestos written by sociopaths and narcissists are just a fun read. Sort of like true crime documentaries.
Hee hee, well, would it help you to know that when I tried to validate her wishes while also outlining that there would be no children she complained to her son that I had upset her and spoken to her like a teacher to a child. LOL.
I love this: “my inner soul screams at me to avoid motherhood at all costs.” YES!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that💕. It really sucks. I shut down my mom and my mother-in-law very quickly thanks with a concise FUCK NO. 😁 My husband and I were always in agreement, from our first date-no kids ever. I regret not a single one of the almost 30 years.
I wish I’d been more assertive like you. If I had my time again, I would have been. But hey, we live, we learn, and if it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t be here waving the flag for people without children.
Exactly! I’m here to support those who feel the same. I talk to the young people in my office about it, actually.💕 Let them know that it’s a wonderful option NOT to have kids.
Thank you for sharing your story...I can relate to so many things. I remember how happy I was to get to my 40's because I started getting fewer questions about when the baby was coming (getting divorced also helped with that). Now in my mid-50's and NO REGRETS. Also, I'm totally thrilled to be in menopause. Enjoying my 50's way more than my 30's -- mostly because no one really cares what 50-yo women do.
Thank you for giving voice to this, for speaking up on behalf of all the women who have endured similar treatment. I'm relieved to know you found the strength to get away from that abuse.
So you didn’t marry this guy right? Cuz the whole time I’m reading this, because the title refers to your ‘mother-in-law, I presumed you married him and reading all this about her pressure and his lack of support, ‘why did you marry him???’ was playing in my head the entire time I was reading this essay.
But you never mention marriage so now I’m a bit confused. 🤔
That said, she sounds like she was a monster. I understand her wanting grandchildren but good lord. You should have walked sooner. Even if you loved the guy. She’d have made your life he’ll grandchild or not. What a nut.
When I was reading your post, I felt deeply connected to your perspective. I’m in my late 30s, unmarried, and certain that I don’t want children. In the future, I also plan to be more vocal about embracing a child-free life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts—it’s inspiring to see others who resonate with this choice!
There’s many of us in this position, but society has silenced us and shamed us over the years incase, god forbid, message gets out that women don’t have to have babies. And guess what, the message is out and the patriarchy is MAD. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I’d love to read more.
Im currently childless and trying to start a family but this post really resonated with me. We’re told our whole lives that “when we have children” that when it doesn’t happen for you, by choice or not, you feel so isolated and alone. I love the point about how we raise the next generation, if we end up getting the family we crave, I’ll ensure I raise them knowing that not everyone’s route looks the same and there’s no set way to live. Thank you 🙏🏼
Thought-provoking article. I can identify with some of this from past relationships.
I also find it interesting that the introduction of the paper you link to on tokophobia reads “Pregnancy is a major physical, psychological, and social event in every woman's life.” Even in a published journal, the pressure exists.
YES, I actually hadn’t picked up on that, but thanks for bringing it to my attention. So sorry you also endured these sorts of things in past relationships. Thank gawd they are past relationships!
I've known since I was 15, and yep, fuck that pressure. As you mentioned, we don't pressure people NOT to have them (though from what I can see, many aren't fit to be a parent), so why should they be allowed to do it to us?! It baffles me.
I’m super passionate about this issue and glad you’re out there on the front lines defending other more conventional women from these assaults.
I’ve always been a weirdo, so at 53 I think I’ve only heard one comment once – and it was last year of all things! When I was 52 and completely incapable of having children anyway!
I sometimes offer Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts-work coaching groups specifically around the choice to be child-free.
It’s a very lovely thing to offer because sometimes in just one session, women feel able to let go of that lingering sense of not being resolved or guilt or obligation to have children by really digging into the parts of them that are carrying these messages.
We all have to contribute in whatever ways we can to making the world a place where the sovereignty of women is respected.
Thanks Ali!! As someone who’s done the ultra deep work of excavating this area of my consciousness, I feel very resourced in my capacity to hold the container for other women to explore this.
Those of us who have had a profound encounter with — deeply grappled with—come to diamond clarity about— being child-free— really can empower other women to achieve the same confidence and clarity!
Thanks for your story. I’m 67 now and I know first hand how society makes a child free woman feel. My family never pressured me, but they also did not make me feel especially “belonging”. And the world at large never understood that I just did not want children.
I can’t imagine how tough that must have been. Things are slowly changing and I’m hopeful for the generations coming up behind me. But I think you are of that era where it must have been so tough! It’s been tough enough for me and I’m a generation behind.
Truly awesome article, Ali. But I must say, it made me yearn for one thing, which I know would be impossible:
A rebuttal from your lunatic ex-would-be-mother-in-law
Not because I want to hear her “side of the argument” but because she sounds batshit crazy, and manifestos written by sociopaths and narcissists are just a fun read. Sort of like true crime documentaries.
Anyway, again, fantastic article.
Hee hee, well, would it help you to know that when I tried to validate her wishes while also outlining that there would be no children she complained to her son that I had upset her and spoken to her like a teacher to a child. LOL.
I commend you for knowing your own heart. Smart.
It’s not been easy :-)
I love this: “my inner soul screams at me to avoid motherhood at all costs.” YES!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that💕. It really sucks. I shut down my mom and my mother-in-law very quickly thanks with a concise FUCK NO. 😁 My husband and I were always in agreement, from our first date-no kids ever. I regret not a single one of the almost 30 years.
I wish I’d been more assertive like you. If I had my time again, I would have been. But hey, we live, we learn, and if it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t be here waving the flag for people without children.
Exactly! I’m here to support those who feel the same. I talk to the young people in my office about it, actually.💕 Let them know that it’s a wonderful option NOT to have kids.
Thank you for sharing your story...I can relate to so many things. I remember how happy I was to get to my 40's because I started getting fewer questions about when the baby was coming (getting divorced also helped with that). Now in my mid-50's and NO REGRETS. Also, I'm totally thrilled to be in menopause. Enjoying my 50's way more than my 30's -- mostly because no one really cares what 50-yo women do.
The empowerment and freedom in your words is inspiring. So much hope in this. Thanks Cindy keep being you!
Thank you for giving voice to this, for speaking up on behalf of all the women who have endured similar treatment. I'm relieved to know you found the strength to get away from that abuse.
Thank you Kathleen. I will always raise my voice. Yes, such relief getting out of that relationship!
So you didn’t marry this guy right? Cuz the whole time I’m reading this, because the title refers to your ‘mother-in-law, I presumed you married him and reading all this about her pressure and his lack of support, ‘why did you marry him???’ was playing in my head the entire time I was reading this essay.
But you never mention marriage so now I’m a bit confused. 🤔
That said, she sounds like she was a monster. I understand her wanting grandchildren but good lord. You should have walked sooner. Even if you loved the guy. She’d have made your life he’ll grandchild or not. What a nut.
I def did not. I got away. Thanks :-)
When I was reading your post, I felt deeply connected to your perspective. I’m in my late 30s, unmarried, and certain that I don’t want children. In the future, I also plan to be more vocal about embracing a child-free life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts—it’s inspiring to see others who resonate with this choice!
There’s many of us in this position, but society has silenced us and shamed us over the years incase, god forbid, message gets out that women don’t have to have babies. And guess what, the message is out and the patriarchy is MAD. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I’d love to read more.
Im currently childless and trying to start a family but this post really resonated with me. We’re told our whole lives that “when we have children” that when it doesn’t happen for you, by choice or not, you feel so isolated and alone. I love the point about how we raise the next generation, if we end up getting the family we crave, I’ll ensure I raise them knowing that not everyone’s route looks the same and there’s no set way to live. Thank you 🙏🏼
I wish you all the best in having your longed for child. Thank you for reading :-)
Thought-provoking article. I can identify with some of this from past relationships.
I also find it interesting that the introduction of the paper you link to on tokophobia reads “Pregnancy is a major physical, psychological, and social event in every woman's life.” Even in a published journal, the pressure exists.
YES, I actually hadn’t picked up on that, but thanks for bringing it to my attention. So sorry you also endured these sorts of things in past relationships. Thank gawd they are past relationships!
I've known since I was 15, and yep, fuck that pressure. As you mentioned, we don't pressure people NOT to have them (though from what I can see, many aren't fit to be a parent), so why should they be allowed to do it to us?! It baffles me.
I hear you Maggie. Absolutely baffling!
I’m super passionate about this issue and glad you’re out there on the front lines defending other more conventional women from these assaults.
I’ve always been a weirdo, so at 53 I think I’ve only heard one comment once – and it was last year of all things! When I was 52 and completely incapable of having children anyway!
I sometimes offer Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts-work coaching groups specifically around the choice to be child-free.
It’s a very lovely thing to offer because sometimes in just one session, women feel able to let go of that lingering sense of not being resolved or guilt or obligation to have children by really digging into the parts of them that are carrying these messages.
We all have to contribute in whatever ways we can to making the world a place where the sovereignty of women is respected.
I love the sound of that with your IFS coaching groups. What a deeply validating thing to offer.
Thanks Ali!! As someone who’s done the ultra deep work of excavating this area of my consciousness, I feel very resourced in my capacity to hold the container for other women to explore this.
Those of us who have had a profound encounter with — deeply grappled with—come to diamond clarity about— being child-free— really can empower other women to achieve the same confidence and clarity!
Together we rise!