Thank you for this thoughtful and non-divisive discussion. I’m child-free and have been judged by so many people for that choice, including strangers who’ve only just met me. Mine and my husband’s decision to not have children was influenced by many different factors but the main one at the heart of it all was that we just didn’t feel the need to have them. I’d never pictured that being my path. And thankfully my husband hadn’t seen it being his either.
The majority of my friends have become parents and I’ve never judged them in any way for the path they’ve followed and enjoy spending time with their families. But most of them have said to me over the years: “You wouldn’t understand as you don’t have kids.”
Never mind that I’m a novelist and short story writer and have spent the past 20 years putting myself in other people’s hearts, minds and lives! But the assumption that because I didn’t have them I can’t possibly understand the love and difficulty of being a parent, is hard to fathom.
You have so much to give to the world. You already have given so much to the world. It's infuriating that so many people can't see beyond your reproduction status. Sigh.
I now can accept that it’s their limiting beliefs and nothing to do with me. But yes, we’ve got a long way to go with the views of what a woman is and has to do.
“The double standard and irony of it all is that, in my experience, often, those beating their drums the loudest about us childfree people talking about being childfree are usually the ones who have made parenting their whole personality and have “mom of boys” or “proud mumma bear” in their bios.
And that’s ok.
But why do they get to build their world around having children and expect those of us who don’t have them to be silent?”
My two best friends don’t; one because she never found the right partner; one who’s married and intentionally child free.
None of us begrudge the others’ choices. We do, however, poke fun at ourselves and the various degrees to which our lives overlap and diverge. And it’s all fine.
Sometimes we all wish we were in the others’s shoes. Also fine.
If only more people could be less judgy. Life is challenging no matter which way you choose to live it: SAHMs get shit; professional women with kids get shit; professional women without kids get shit… what’s the common theme? Women get a lot of shit.
Live your life your way and move along, humans. We’re all doing the best we can. Nobody has a rule book.
You hit the nail on the head here: "Maybe those who begrudge the childfree their happiness didn’t realise having children was a choice. Maybe they are suffering in the brutal trenches of childraising. Perhaps there’s resentment there."
I am child free. By choice. And got frequently asked when I was having kids until I turned 40. And given the weirdest looks when I said never. Like it’s any of their business.
I am an accidental grandmother (I married a man with adult sons who both married and grandchildren happened).
Let's be real... it has been men who have talked to me in patronising ways, while their wives were at home taking care of everything. I've never told anybody "You'll regret having children", but men didn't hesitate to tell me I'd regret my decision. I understand where the gloating about the chilfree life comes from: from exhaustion and having heard enough, while seeing sisters and friends drowning with their little kids, mostly alone while their partners didn't do much. Inequality at home was the last nail in the coffin I would have needed if I had ever considered having kids
Splendid column. As a person who is child free by choice, I have done verbal battles with other parents as to why I made the decision I did. Not that I had to explain anything to them at all or vice versa. I just elaborated on my perspective and willingly indulged listening to their rationale.
As *looks around* the only man in the room, I have to be Captain Obvious and point out that for us - as always - it's different.
It's women who are expected not only to become mothers, but increasingly to make it the main if not the only focus of their life, their personality, their identity. You all can't avoid this expectation, can't control how you're going to be labelled when you don't meet it - and are pretty much obliged to explain, defend and redefine yourselves on your own terms.
I wish it wasn't so! And it's hard to live in the space between facing the reality of the world we live in, and dreaming of a better one. I know you know that!
We men, depending on how and where we live, we can get away with no one knowing, let alone caring, if we have kids or not. I know I'm in a position of privilege to be so free from stigmas and stereotyping, some of it by entitlement, some by luck and some of it by design. I want this for everyone. In fact, I want us to go even further, where being man or woman or whoever doesn't become our defining, limiting identity. And where no one could give two shits whether any of us have kids or not.
The ultimate childfreedom is to not be childfree, but to simply: be. Thank you for fighting to make this dream a reality. You truly are an activist, and I'm so grateful for your revolutionary work! ✊
Such wisewords - yes - that is the ultimate freedom; just to be. I think you are doing yourself a disservice thoughm, as I do think there is more and more pressure put on men and something I am seeing is that the more men speaking out about this, the more push back they are being given. We need your voice!
This is so beautifully articulated, as always Ali. Whenever I see the ire on social media between folks with kids and folks who don't have kids, I just think how ultimately, the patriarchy is winning. By turning us against each other, we're distracted from the things that unite us: wanting to live fulfilling lives and make the world better for the future. Think about what could happen if we worked together instead of letting patriarchal values divide us!
Brava, Ali, another winner! Speaking up, making my voice heard - choosing not to have children was always a given for me. I've never wanted them, it's like a switch in me is flipped off (the "get a cat" switch is fully flipped on, ha ha), and I'm fortunate to have a partner who's also never wanted them. I was lucky not to get a lot of push-back from my friends or family over my decision, and I'm grateful that I'm able to have that CHOICE, in the form of birth control (the Pill from when I was 19; partner's vasectomy from 30). I'm scared for future women, as their reproductive rights are eroding. Shouldn't we always have the CHOICE?
Exactly that! Yes, we absolutely should always have the choice and be respected for whatever choice we make, and given compassion if we want to have kids, but are unable to for any reason.
Are you in the US? I'm just wondering if it's a culture difference. I'm happily childfree and I'm lucky in that I've never been pressured into having children, other than ending a couple of relationships when the men in question suddenly sprung it on me that they thought I'd "change my mind one day"...
Lets see, those with kids pushing having them on us because they need to be affirmed in their own choices, parents, affected by genetic narcissism, promote grandchildren, patriarchal leaders and institutions want women out of the workforce but producing more workforce, religious institutions, wel,l we know what they're about. Let's just remember Ann Landers's anonymous survey. When asked if they could do it differently and not have kids, seventy percent of respondents in 1975 said they wish they hadn't. Hold steady, those of you resisting society's pronatalism. You're on to something. Having a child should at least warrant a truthful conversation rather than slipping into the traditional setup.
In 1975, Ann Landers asked her readers in an anonymous survey, if they had it to do all over again, would they have children. A whopping 70 percent said no. I rest my case
Thank you for this thoughtful and non-divisive discussion. I’m child-free and have been judged by so many people for that choice, including strangers who’ve only just met me. Mine and my husband’s decision to not have children was influenced by many different factors but the main one at the heart of it all was that we just didn’t feel the need to have them. I’d never pictured that being my path. And thankfully my husband hadn’t seen it being his either.
The majority of my friends have become parents and I’ve never judged them in any way for the path they’ve followed and enjoy spending time with their families. But most of them have said to me over the years: “You wouldn’t understand as you don’t have kids.”
Never mind that I’m a novelist and short story writer and have spent the past 20 years putting myself in other people’s hearts, minds and lives! But the assumption that because I didn’t have them I can’t possibly understand the love and difficulty of being a parent, is hard to fathom.
You have so much to give to the world. You already have given so much to the world. It's infuriating that so many people can't see beyond your reproduction status. Sigh.
I now can accept that it’s their limiting beliefs and nothing to do with me. But yes, we’ve got a long way to go with the views of what a woman is and has to do.
“The double standard and irony of it all is that, in my experience, often, those beating their drums the loudest about us childfree people talking about being childfree are usually the ones who have made parenting their whole personality and have “mom of boys” or “proud mumma bear” in their bios.
And that’s ok.
But why do they get to build their world around having children and expect those of us who don’t have them to be silent?”
Good point, I’ve never thought of this.
Good old prontatalism and hierarchy at play here.
I have kids.
My two best friends don’t; one because she never found the right partner; one who’s married and intentionally child free.
None of us begrudge the others’ choices. We do, however, poke fun at ourselves and the various degrees to which our lives overlap and diverge. And it’s all fine.
Sometimes we all wish we were in the others’s shoes. Also fine.
If only more people could be less judgy. Life is challenging no matter which way you choose to live it: SAHMs get shit; professional women with kids get shit; professional women without kids get shit… what’s the common theme? Women get a lot of shit.
Live your life your way and move along, humans. We’re all doing the best we can. Nobody has a rule book.
Exactly this Andrea, this sounds like really healthy friendships.
You hit the nail on the head here: "Maybe those who begrudge the childfree their happiness didn’t realise having children was a choice. Maybe they are suffering in the brutal trenches of childraising. Perhaps there’s resentment there."
Yeah for sure and it's projection. But it's sad that it comes out as hostility against others, instead of doing a bit of work on themselves.
Also I had no idea Russia had banned 'childfree propaganda' - that is truly terrifying!
I am child free. By choice. And got frequently asked when I was having kids until I turned 40. And given the weirdest looks when I said never. Like it’s any of their business.
I am an accidental grandmother (I married a man with adult sons who both married and grandchildren happened).
I love those kids.
But I am so thankful I never had any of my own.
Funnily enough, I would quite like grandkids. Hee hee. In my view, you have the best of all worlds.
They are fun! And the pressure is off for me.
Let's be real... it has been men who have talked to me in patronising ways, while their wives were at home taking care of everything. I've never told anybody "You'll regret having children", but men didn't hesitate to tell me I'd regret my decision. I understand where the gloating about the chilfree life comes from: from exhaustion and having heard enough, while seeing sisters and friends drowning with their little kids, mostly alone while their partners didn't do much. Inequality at home was the last nail in the coffin I would have needed if I had ever considered having kids
Splendid column. As a person who is child free by choice, I have done verbal battles with other parents as to why I made the decision I did. Not that I had to explain anything to them at all or vice versa. I just elaborated on my perspective and willingly indulged listening to their rationale.
These conversations can be hard can't they. Why oh why it needs to be a battle is beyond me.
Totally concur.
Thank you Ali, this speaks to my soul!
As *looks around* the only man in the room, I have to be Captain Obvious and point out that for us - as always - it's different.
It's women who are expected not only to become mothers, but increasingly to make it the main if not the only focus of their life, their personality, their identity. You all can't avoid this expectation, can't control how you're going to be labelled when you don't meet it - and are pretty much obliged to explain, defend and redefine yourselves on your own terms.
I wish it wasn't so! And it's hard to live in the space between facing the reality of the world we live in, and dreaming of a better one. I know you know that!
We men, depending on how and where we live, we can get away with no one knowing, let alone caring, if we have kids or not. I know I'm in a position of privilege to be so free from stigmas and stereotyping, some of it by entitlement, some by luck and some of it by design. I want this for everyone. In fact, I want us to go even further, where being man or woman or whoever doesn't become our defining, limiting identity. And where no one could give two shits whether any of us have kids or not.
The ultimate childfreedom is to not be childfree, but to simply: be. Thank you for fighting to make this dream a reality. You truly are an activist, and I'm so grateful for your revolutionary work! ✊
Such wisewords - yes - that is the ultimate freedom; just to be. I think you are doing yourself a disservice thoughm, as I do think there is more and more pressure put on men and something I am seeing is that the more men speaking out about this, the more push back they are being given. We need your voice!
This is so beautifully articulated, as always Ali. Whenever I see the ire on social media between folks with kids and folks who don't have kids, I just think how ultimately, the patriarchy is winning. By turning us against each other, we're distracted from the things that unite us: wanting to live fulfilling lives and make the world better for the future. Think about what could happen if we worked together instead of letting patriarchal values divide us!
Exactly this. So many folk are falling into the trap of being used as a pawn in patriarchy's mindless game.
I hope voices like yours help us break it down
Brava, Ali, another winner! Speaking up, making my voice heard - choosing not to have children was always a given for me. I've never wanted them, it's like a switch in me is flipped off (the "get a cat" switch is fully flipped on, ha ha), and I'm fortunate to have a partner who's also never wanted them. I was lucky not to get a lot of push-back from my friends or family over my decision, and I'm grateful that I'm able to have that CHOICE, in the form of birth control (the Pill from when I was 19; partner's vasectomy from 30). I'm scared for future women, as their reproductive rights are eroding. Shouldn't we always have the CHOICE?
Exactly that! Yes, we absolutely should always have the choice and be respected for whatever choice we make, and given compassion if we want to have kids, but are unable to for any reason.
Are you in the US? I'm just wondering if it's a culture difference. I'm happily childfree and I'm lucky in that I've never been pressured into having children, other than ending a couple of relationships when the men in question suddenly sprung it on me that they thought I'd "change my mind one day"...
Lets see, those with kids pushing having them on us because they need to be affirmed in their own choices, parents, affected by genetic narcissism, promote grandchildren, patriarchal leaders and institutions want women out of the workforce but producing more workforce, religious institutions, wel,l we know what they're about. Let's just remember Ann Landers's anonymous survey. When asked if they could do it differently and not have kids, seventy percent of respondents in 1975 said they wish they hadn't. Hold steady, those of you resisting society's pronatalism. You're on to something. Having a child should at least warrant a truthful conversation rather than slipping into the traditional setup.
In 1975, Ann Landers asked her readers in an anonymous survey, if they had it to do all over again, would they have children. A whopping 70 percent said no. I rest my case
I’m right there with you! Love this post
lol