Great to have you here Ali. I've been noticing the rhetoric of entitlement around 'community' too and also a sense from people ageing without children that it's something they can 'plug into' when they need it... Something I say is that 'community is built on inconvenience' (doing inconvenient things, at inconvenient times, for inconvenient people') which is time consuming and awkward. As human relationships often are! Now in my 60s, it's something I'm doing in my own life and rural community, and I'll be putting some more formal structure around that in Spring 2025 - hoping to create a pilot study that other people without children can embrace/adapt. Because none of us can do this alone, but I do think many of us have forgotten how to do it... (and/or are so consumed in the relentless tasks of modern parenthood + work that they simply don't have time to consider it).
Cheers Jody, I look forward to learning more about your Spring 2025 project.
Community and chosen family is is something particularly salient to me as my own immediate family is riddled with estrangements and hurts. If I want connection and companionship, I must build this. I love your quote "community is build on inconvenience" YES! :-)
Very honest, honest and very true. thank you for writing this.
There can be isolation for those who are sick and hospitalized, who live with disabilities, and for the bereaved. Often there is help in the beginning, during the acute phases, but when things become chronic, support can dissipate overtime. We can’t let up on the village of support.
The bringing of food or visiting someone in the hospital is often replaced today by Facebook page postings, text message threads, and health updates from Caring Pages. Sometimes phone calls aren’t even made.
When I was raising a sick child two decades ago, (we had no cell phones and we had no social media) people actually came to visit and brought food and were physically there for us. we felt held together and supported by human presence . I wonder ( and hope) there is in person support for those in need like that today.
We had a strong village then, when we were parents and our daughter was alive. From my experience and those I’ve spoken to the support diminishes in bereavement.
I think that widows, bereaved parents, and those who lose parents, siblings, close friends, and even careers in retirement may find themselves in the village-less group someday.
I also believe that Covid plays a part, that the isolation bled into post pandemic life. The isolation and self preservation mentality seems to have stuck. That may be working for those who have a big support systems and close families, but it doesn’t work for everyone. The post pandemic world created more community isolation and many never got back to the way they lived before hand. Community and social support has been slow to trickle back. We need to create more villages of support for all populations thank you for writing. I agree with everything you wrote.
We need to get to the old ways; checking on our neighbors, offering to plow the driveway for an elderly person, etc. And we need to think differently and expand the concept of “ it takes village” as you are expressing here. Covid Forced everybody to focus on their own safety and to block out others for safety too. We as a society need to pivot from the self preservation state of mind and bring back more
Thank you Susan for sharing a bit of your story here. I can’t even imagine the grief you have endured and then have to be faced with such cruel and invalidating comments from society.
I especially like the point “if you want to have a village, you need to be a villager” .. that point is too often overlooked by those who regret the lack of a village… in the absence of the “corporate family” for most everyone, we need to be intentional about it. And that’s not about singing around the campfire together, but often the inconvenient work of showing up when it’s hard
“There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.”
Thanks for writing about this very important but neglected topic. You made so many excellent points about the "forgotten" people who aren't part of married union with children. I feel so seen. I've suffered from intense isolation as a divorced woman without kids, and as a caregiver to my elderly mom, plus burned out during the pandemic working on the "frontline" as a medical interpreter. Although I was living with my ex-partner at that time, I felt lonelier than even as he didn't have a network of friends where we lived together, plus he cheated on me while I was working my butt off to support both of us after he lost his job. I've been in contact with hundreds of women who were/are married with children but were left to care for their children alone because their spouses cheated on them, and this phenomenon is rampant! So, count them in as the lonely ones too. I totally agree with you that the concept of the nuclear family isn't working, yet the new "village" isn't either. I hope we can build a new social structure to move us out of isolation. The question is, "how?" I see the infrastructure in America isn't condusive to that, given the distances separated by highways, with little public transportation to democratize movements. Plus, I blame the cell phone a lot for people living in their individual bubbles. But I'm with you in dreaming of that utopia! Thanks again for writing this meaningful article.
Ooooft Louisa, that sounds so tough, and I suspect your burnout was totally invalidated. Your question of "How?" is indeed the question on the tip of my tongue. Personally, I am investing in friendship and community. I also have a love hate relationship with my phone. Thank you for your open and honest comment.
Thanks for your reply, Ali. I too have a love hate relationship with my phone. Recently I banned it from my bedroom and I have since been sleeping better. Same here re: building community and making friends. It's really hard where I am and also being an immigrant without a network of friends. Baby steps.
Thank you for writing this! I'm writing a book about exactly this, and it argues what you argue here: Everyone needs the village, parents and non-parents alike. We should connect next year perhaps. https://rojospinks.substack.com/p/im-writing-a-book
Fabulous piece Ali! This is such a timely topic too, considering, in the West especially, we continue to isolate ourselves more and more, to the detriment of everyone including ourselves. The community is something precious which we all thrive with. To ignore its value is to hurt ourselves and those around us. I'm currently working on a piece about the glorification of individualism and you hit on so many points I was thinking of here! :)
Thank you Maria. It’s an old one of mine that I reshared. I think it’s still one of my firm favourites. We are a allowed to have favourites in our own writing right? I look forwards to reading your piece about the glorification of individualism.
100% we are allowed! Usually for me, my favourites are the least popular ahah I suppose that balances things out! I'll let you know once I publish! I might put it here and on Medium, let's see!
Yes, indeed. We all need village. Not only for our own health and sanity. But so the larger commons can be a fabric of healthy and contributing members, rather than a hellscape of lonely and distrustful survivors trying to climb over one another to get the shreds of wealth on top.
Hi Ali, I saw Jody's note and found your article - I've just subscribed. Really good article, thank you. I share many of the same thoughts. The focus of my publication is carers. 'Heartfelt empathy for Caregivers. A hub of practical tools, resources, and expert insights. A portal of hope.'
Great to have you here Ali. I've been noticing the rhetoric of entitlement around 'community' too and also a sense from people ageing without children that it's something they can 'plug into' when they need it... Something I say is that 'community is built on inconvenience' (doing inconvenient things, at inconvenient times, for inconvenient people') which is time consuming and awkward. As human relationships often are! Now in my 60s, it's something I'm doing in my own life and rural community, and I'll be putting some more formal structure around that in Spring 2025 - hoping to create a pilot study that other people without children can embrace/adapt. Because none of us can do this alone, but I do think many of us have forgotten how to do it... (and/or are so consumed in the relentless tasks of modern parenthood + work that they simply don't have time to consider it).
Cheers Jody, I look forward to learning more about your Spring 2025 project.
Community and chosen family is is something particularly salient to me as my own immediate family is riddled with estrangements and hurts. If I want connection and companionship, I must build this. I love your quote "community is build on inconvenience" YES! :-)
I have no parents, siblings or children so it's chosen family all the way for me!
So challenging Jody, if anyone can build it, it's you! :-)
Very honest, honest and very true. thank you for writing this.
There can be isolation for those who are sick and hospitalized, who live with disabilities, and for the bereaved. Often there is help in the beginning, during the acute phases, but when things become chronic, support can dissipate overtime. We can’t let up on the village of support.
The bringing of food or visiting someone in the hospital is often replaced today by Facebook page postings, text message threads, and health updates from Caring Pages. Sometimes phone calls aren’t even made.
When I was raising a sick child two decades ago, (we had no cell phones and we had no social media) people actually came to visit and brought food and were physically there for us. we felt held together and supported by human presence . I wonder ( and hope) there is in person support for those in need like that today.
We had a strong village then, when we were parents and our daughter was alive. From my experience and those I’ve spoken to the support diminishes in bereavement.
I think that widows, bereaved parents, and those who lose parents, siblings, close friends, and even careers in retirement may find themselves in the village-less group someday.
I also believe that Covid plays a part, that the isolation bled into post pandemic life. The isolation and self preservation mentality seems to have stuck. That may be working for those who have a big support systems and close families, but it doesn’t work for everyone. The post pandemic world created more community isolation and many never got back to the way they lived before hand. Community and social support has been slow to trickle back. We need to create more villages of support for all populations thank you for writing. I agree with everything you wrote.
We need to get to the old ways; checking on our neighbors, offering to plow the driveway for an elderly person, etc. And we need to think differently and expand the concept of “ it takes village” as you are expressing here. Covid Forced everybody to focus on their own safety and to block out others for safety too. We as a society need to pivot from the self preservation state of mind and bring back more
Thank you Susan for sharing a bit of your story here. I can’t even imagine the grief you have endured and then have to be faced with such cruel and invalidating comments from society.
I especially like the point “if you want to have a village, you need to be a villager” .. that point is too often overlooked by those who regret the lack of a village… in the absence of the “corporate family” for most everyone, we need to be intentional about it. And that’s not about singing around the campfire together, but often the inconvenient work of showing up when it’s hard
Exactly this. @Jody Day is working on an inspiring project about doing just this. ‘Alterki’ is about intergenerational community serving as a village.
How lucky am I that @Amanda Tobin is part of my ‘village’ :) xx
“There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.”
👏👏👏
Thanks for reading :-)
Thanks for writing about this very important but neglected topic. You made so many excellent points about the "forgotten" people who aren't part of married union with children. I feel so seen. I've suffered from intense isolation as a divorced woman without kids, and as a caregiver to my elderly mom, plus burned out during the pandemic working on the "frontline" as a medical interpreter. Although I was living with my ex-partner at that time, I felt lonelier than even as he didn't have a network of friends where we lived together, plus he cheated on me while I was working my butt off to support both of us after he lost his job. I've been in contact with hundreds of women who were/are married with children but were left to care for their children alone because their spouses cheated on them, and this phenomenon is rampant! So, count them in as the lonely ones too. I totally agree with you that the concept of the nuclear family isn't working, yet the new "village" isn't either. I hope we can build a new social structure to move us out of isolation. The question is, "how?" I see the infrastructure in America isn't condusive to that, given the distances separated by highways, with little public transportation to democratize movements. Plus, I blame the cell phone a lot for people living in their individual bubbles. But I'm with you in dreaming of that utopia! Thanks again for writing this meaningful article.
Ooooft Louisa, that sounds so tough, and I suspect your burnout was totally invalidated. Your question of "How?" is indeed the question on the tip of my tongue. Personally, I am investing in friendship and community. I also have a love hate relationship with my phone. Thank you for your open and honest comment.
Thanks for your reply, Ali. I too have a love hate relationship with my phone. Recently I banned it from my bedroom and I have since been sleeping better. Same here re: building community and making friends. It's really hard where I am and also being an immigrant without a network of friends. Baby steps.
Thank you for writing this! I'm writing a book about exactly this, and it argues what you argue here: Everyone needs the village, parents and non-parents alike. We should connect next year perhaps. https://rojospinks.substack.com/p/im-writing-a-book
Oh wow. What a fabulous topic to write a book on. Yes, it would be great to connect! :-)
I will reach out, may I have your email?
I’ve sent you a private message :-)
Fabulous piece Ali! This is such a timely topic too, considering, in the West especially, we continue to isolate ourselves more and more, to the detriment of everyone including ourselves. The community is something precious which we all thrive with. To ignore its value is to hurt ourselves and those around us. I'm currently working on a piece about the glorification of individualism and you hit on so many points I was thinking of here! :)
Thank you Maria. It’s an old one of mine that I reshared. I think it’s still one of my firm favourites. We are a allowed to have favourites in our own writing right? I look forwards to reading your piece about the glorification of individualism.
100% we are allowed! Usually for me, my favourites are the least popular ahah I suppose that balances things out! I'll let you know once I publish! I might put it here and on Medium, let's see!
Hee hee, that’s the same as me. Gotta love the underdog right? :-)
Yes, indeed. We all need village. Not only for our own health and sanity. But so the larger commons can be a fabric of healthy and contributing members, rather than a hellscape of lonely and distrustful survivors trying to climb over one another to get the shreds of wealth on top.
YES! You have an eloquent way with words David!
Hi Ali, I saw Jody's note and found your article - I've just subscribed. Really good article, thank you. I share many of the same thoughts. The focus of my publication is carers. 'Heartfelt empathy for Caregivers. A hub of practical tools, resources, and expert insights. A portal of hope.'
I hope you'll have a look around. thanks
Love it, thanks for sharing. Will def take a look. :-)
… social support.