The Real Reason Chappell Roan Is Being Dragged for Her Comment on Parenting
And the harmful fallout that's only served to widen the chasm between people with kids and people without
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I don’t want children, and I won’t be having them. My choice not to have children is not an attack on anyone’s choice to have them. And neither is Chappell Roan’s.
In a recent interview on the Call Her Daddy podcast with host Alex Cooper, Chappell Roan was asked if she wanted marriage and kids.
In a way, Roan was set up for failure with this question, although it did arise organically in the conversation.
History has shown us that any answer that deviates from clear aspirations of marriage and children can cause grave social uproar. In 1974, during an interview on the TV show 60-Minutes, childfree pioneer Marcia Drut-Davis lost her job as a teacher just for saying she didn’t want children. She also received death threats.
For those not in the know, Roan’s response to the marriage and kids question was:
All my friends who have kids are in hell. I don’t know anyone — I actually don’t know anyone who’s like, happy and has children at this age. I literally have not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has like light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.
Sometimes, it’s not so much the thing that is said but the person saying the thing that causes the most offence.
I can’t help but think that if Roan had children and spoke from a place of shared suffering, those most aggrieved by her comment would feel validated and praise her for her honesty and self-sacrifice.
If Roan had commented that parenting looked “easy”, I suspect the same haters would have come forward and mocked her naivety and outlined all the ways it is hard and sometimes hell, and so we would come full circle.
The truth is, as a woman, there is only one socially right answer to the marriage and children question. And anything else will lead to a pile-on, as we have seen.
We must want children, see motherhood as virtuous, and speak of it in aspirational terms. Failure to do so is regarded by some as a betrayal against womenhood and potentially even humanity.
But let’s take a moment to recognise that Roan answered a personal question from a place of personal observation.
She did not speak about parenting — or motherhood — in a universal manner. There were no sweeping statements. Her answer reflected what she had seen and experienced herself.
And yet those raising their pitchforks have egotistically taken this as a personal affront on them. A slight on the sanctity of motherhood.
Roan touched a nerve. Many parents — specifically mums — are taking to social media to showcase just how happy they are and refute being in “hell”, all while attacking Roan for her comments.
In this YouTube clip of the online news show The Young Turks, hosted by Cenk Uygur and Ana Kasparian, they highlight some of the hateful comments on socials that call Roan deranged, dumb and self-indulgent. All just for daring to verbalise the experiences of her friends with children.
I tell you what would be dumb and deranged, and that’s trying to peddle the idea that raising children, especially young children, is easy and full of unlimited happiness.
I can’t help but wonder if those who are suffering in the deepest wells of the parenting silence are now the loudest at defending their lives. Perhaps to convince themselves that they are right and those opting out of kids are wrong.
But remember, there is no overarching right or wrong regarding having kids. We are all different, and what’s wrong for one person may be right for another.
People without kids don’t live in a silo
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve seen the brutalities of parenthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am also fully aware of the love, joy and sense of fulfilment that some people experience from having kids.
I feel we live in an era where we are too quick to categorise something as one thing, and we often forget that more than one truth can co-exist. Parenting can be all sorts of tough, messy, frustrating, joyful, heartwarming, soul-crushing, confronting and expanding.
Simply acknowledging the challenges of parenting does not automatically deny the buoyancy it can bring to one's life.
My friends with kids tell me how hard it is. Many of them are still in the trenches of raising young children. They are tired. Some are overstimulated. They have very little time outside of their kids.
Heck, I see the challenges of parenting.
But it’s like there’s this weird unspoken rule whereby if someone with kids tells me they are feeling miserable, exhausted, overwhelmed or suffering in any way, only then am I allowed to acknowledge this suffering and provide validation, commiseration and support. But given that I don’t have children, I cannot make this observation first without the risk of raising heckles.
Those of us without children all have stories of some people with kids engaging us in the suffering Olympics. You know, those sorts of comments, “You think you’re tired, you should try having kids” or “Ha ha, you don’t know the meaning of stress until you have kids.”
It’s a bit of a catch-22. I’ve heard some parents say that people without kids don’t understand. We don’t understand how hard it is, how exhausting it is, how stressful it is…
But then, when we acknowledge how hard it is and maybe even suggest that’s why we are opting out, we are attacked with a counterargument about how we will die alone, live a life without love and never experience fulfilment.
From speaking with my community of women without children, there’s a group consensus that people without children are constantly treading a tightrope on what we are allowed to say about our observations of child rearing without coming under attack.
There’s a pointless war on women
This is about parents, and yet it’s defaulted to a mother issue. Why? Because women are still the primary caregivers. According to this study by Pew Research, mothers suffer more than fathers.
The use of the term parenting is so often processed through gender biases and interpreted as mothering. And the traditional roles of mothering and fathering still look very different. Heck, if I could be a traditional father instead of a mother, I may even have chosen to have kids.
Sociologist Jennifer Walter, took to Threads to explain the anger triggered by Roan’s comments.
Motherhood isn’t just personal: it’s political, cultural, and sacred. Criticzise it, even indirectly and you’re seen as a threat to the moral order.
Walter referenced the sociologist Adrienne Rich who differentiated between what she calls motherhood as an institution and mothering as an experience.
The institution demands obedience, sacrifice, silence. The lived experience? Often burnout, rage and isolation.
Is that where the problem lies? Roan calling out the institution of mothering (even though she said parents) feels threatening to those who have poured themselves into motherhood.
Walter continues with a linked thread saying:
Critical theory tells us: when someone disrupts the dominant narrative, they get punished. Espeically women. Especially when they tell inconvenient truths.
The dominant narrative in this case is that of adhering to the institution of motherhood and suppressing any negative lived experience, covering it up with gloss and glamour.
Romanticising motherhood hurts everyone
Ultimately, women are hurting, and instead of banding together to support each other, we are allowing patriarchal paradigms to build divisions between us.
Those with children feel burned out and unsupported. Those without feel pressured, undermined, and made to feel less than. There’s an unnecessary culture war going on. A push-pull on who is happier, mothers or people without children. It’s so deeply tiresome.
All too often, women are pushed into motherhood with the promise of experiencing a love and happiness like no other. But they are so rarely prepared for the struggles. While some of the hardships associated with motherhood have always been around, historically, women have been silent on these matters. They’ve put up and shut up. Why? Perhaps for fear of being condemned as inadequate mothers. Bad mothers.
Something has to change. The institution of motherhood has to change if we want the lived experience of motherhood to improve.
Enough of the filtered bullshit of romanticised motherhood. Because it’s not all bedtime stories, first steps, and baby head smells. Mothers know this. And despite not having children, I also know this and I am allowed to say it out loud.
Encouraging an open and honest discourse about motherhood is a crucial part of fixing a broken system. Financial incentives to encourage birth rates don’t work. Conservatives around the globe hark on about declining birth rates, scratching their head for the reasons why. Maybe if they listened to Roan and others who bravely speak about the motherhood institution, they could devise a plan to alleviate the suffering and redesign motherhood to be more appealing.
It’s time to listen, motherhood doesn’t need to be hell!
The truth often hurts, and this truth bomb about the difficulties of parenting certainly exploded. Sadly, I can’t help but think that the fact Roan doesn’t have children is why this imploded in the first place. I mean, how dare a woman without children speak negatively about something she hasn’t experienced firsthand, right?
But isn’t it absolutely wild to expect people without children to have no opinion on the landscape of raising children? Because, not least of all parenting should be an informed choice.
Those getting defensive at Roan’s comments could take a moment to breathe and recognise that this isn’t about them. They may even realise that Roan is speaking out about a system that isn’t working. A system that hurts them. And until this system is fixed, many people, like Roan, will hesitate to join it.
Ultimately, all potential parents should have access to as much information as possible on the reality of child-rearing — the good, bad and ugly. After all, it’s the future children that will be most affected, and I think we can all agree that the happiness, health and welfare of children is what’s most at stake here.
By Ali Hall
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Great piece, thank you. I'm child free by choice too and feel seen! You've identified the issue, and articulated beautifully.
I’ve known since I was a young child that I did not want to be a mother, did not want to have children, and that has been challenging to fight against for my entire nearly six decades.
This stood out to me, Ali:
“The use of the term parenting is so often processed through gender biases and interpreted as mothering.”
Yeah, you’re not seeing the fathers getting up in arms about this, only the outrage on behalf of mothers. There is something wrong here, and it’s not the opinion of the person who doesn’t want children.
Excellent article!💕