To Have Kids or Remain Childfree, That Is the Question

A love letter to all those on the fence

Mar 21, 2025

two women walking through the woods — Unsplash+

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I see you when you think no one notices. Weighed down by the decision of all decisions and frozen into inertia at the fork in the road.

Have kids, don’t have kids. Each life comes with choices and compromises. Neither life is better. They are just different.

Sure, your friend may tell you how much she loves being a mum; it’s her calling and purpose. You hear these words pressing on your psyche, you don’t feel the calling to motherhood like this. Does this mean it’s not for you? But where, then, will you find your purpose?

You catch yourself entranced by a new mother cradling her baby, and you see the beauty in their togetherness. A fusion of nurturing and love. Your mind daydreams as you picture yourself holding a newborn, your newborn. But it feels peculiar.

And in this confusion, you hold an ear close to your heart, urging, begging the beats to guide you. To seek motherhood or not, that is your quandary.

Meanwhile, you hear subtle barbs from a great aunt. Resentment over the loss of herself through the process of child-rearing.

Regret is a bitter pill. But regret only raises its head if you don’t do something you want. Or do something you don’t want.

I see you look at me quizzically. I know what you are thinking: “But what if I don’t know what I want?”

Some love parenting, some don’t. Some are natural mothers, and some are not. Some have uncomplicated and loving relationships with their children. And sadly, many do not.

But this isn’t about other people. It’s about you. Each way you turn, the wind will deliver you reasons to have kids and then reasons not to. No one else can decide for you - though they may try.

Oh, my friend, it’s tough. Take my hand, let’s walk.

So you tell me you're confused. I understand.

Fall into step with me, and let’s wander along the trail. Look up at the world, and all its magnificence. Do you see the giant evergreens? Can you hear the morning chorus of spring birds? The sunlight slices its way through the trees with promises of what lies ahead.

There is peace. Right now, we are on the same path. We are together.

But up ahead, the path splits. You have seen your friends and colleagues take the path to the right. It’s wide and inviting, well-trodden and well-kept. It’s predictable and safe.

It’s a path of no return.

You still ache from the loss and change of some friendships, and part of you feels the urge to go down the right-hand path just to be with them. To find comfort in familiarity. To do what most others are doing.

But you carry a doubt that weighs you down. You wonder if the birds still sing along the right-hand path. Whether the sun still warms your friends’ faces. You just don’t know. For you have seen light in their faces like you’ve never seen, but you’ve also seen shadows that weren’t there before.

And the other path. The path on the left. You wonder where it goes. What if it stops abruptly - a dead end? A road to nothingness and emptiness. For it is overgrown and uninviting, perhaps it could even be considered hostile. It's almost as if it's been intentionally designed to deter anyone from exploring its meanders.

I have taken the path on the left. And for me, that path is exquisite. It is full of opportunity and purpose. But you are not me, and it is not for me to persuade you to take either path.

Rather, I want to encourage you to look inside yourself, to silence the outside noise so you can hear the whisperings of your longing.

My dear one, other people’s lives can not gauge our decisions.

I’ve felt reduced by the words of others when they say things like “having kids cracks you open like nothing else,” but I know now to believe them — for them — and brush off their egocentric phraseology. Because we are all different. And what cracks me open like nothing else is not what cracks you open like nothing else.

We have both seen friends jump into parenting without really thinking about it. We have watched as the shock of reality strikes as if they’ve been plunged into an ice bath.

I see a glint of envy in your eyes. Envy of those who stumble mindlessly onto the path on the right, for them, there is no painstaking decision, just nonchalant acquiescing. But what if you follow, then realise too late that this is the wrong path for you?

Oh, what a privilege it is to live in an era, a country, and under a regime that allows us to make this choice. And yet for some, this choice brings a paralysis of mind.

You have a fiery and flighty spirit. A sensitive soul with a deep-thinking brain. You hear sounds that others don’t. You see colours that are not visible to others' eyes.

I see you. You want to honour yourself and any potential child. And while you see your quandary as a frustrating indecision, I see it as love.

Deciding to have children (which comes with no guarantees) or remaining childfree is a complicated knot riddled with internalised biases and external pressure.

Who might you become as a mother? But who might you not become as a mother?

Sometimes, this decision comes down to choosing what hard suits us best. Having the courage to remain without children and thus on the fringes of society, versus having the courage to embrace the trenches of parenthood.

As women, we are taught to fear women without children. Our fairy tales speak of the evil stepmothers and wicked witches. We are fed the message that we must have children to be loveable, desirable, and included. To belong.

But surely the real thing to be feared is not listening to our hearts? Not living in alignment with our authenticity.

If we choose not to have children, we are told we risk loneliness. We are branded selfish. And yet, look around you; too many mothers are drowning in a sea of loneliness. Our society does not support mothers adequately.

The pressure and coercion of pronatalism are real.

You must be a master untangler, my friend. You need to identify your innate wants and separate them from the wants others may have of you.

Find stillness, my friend, and mute the world around you. It’s time to give your soul the microphone. What are your primal desires? What experiences do you want to crack you open like nothing else?

Cast your what-ifs to the wind as they serve you no purpose.

I know you carry a deep-rooted fear of choosing the wrong path. But examine this enough, and the right path — for you — will become clear.

Whatever path you take, know this. Your life will be full, vibrant and joyous. It will bring you challenges and setbacks. It will springboard you into delirium and crash you into despair.

The full spectrum of life is yours for the taking. Both paths will deliver purpose and fulfilment, happiness and sorrow.

You will laugh until your ribs ache and weep yourself to dehydration. You are the sort who gives yourself over to others; some may abuse this, but others will give back with abundance. Connection will always find you.

Whatever you decide, know this. You will always love and be loved.

By Ali Hall

Thanks for reading this piece, which was originally published on Medium. I’d love to hear about your experiences with this subject. Please leave a comment and join the conversation.

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