My mother-in-law also desperately wanted grandchildren and since my husband is an only child, it fell solely on us to make her dreams come true. There was only one problem- neither of us wanted children. With every not-so-subtle hint about her future grandkids, we tried to gently remind her of this fact. She mostly ignored us- staring back at us silently before pointedly walking out of the room as if to pretend she didn't hear us so it couldn't be true, or she would brush off our feelings and tell us we would change our minds eventually.
Well, not only did we not change our minds, but I also suffered an accident that left me incapable of carrying a child. She backed off after that, but her comments about "what good parents we would have been" cut even deeper. I shudder to think what would have continued to be said if we had remained childless purely by choice and not also by circumstance. The physical barrier at least gave her an excuse to share with her friends that was more socially acceptable.
I felt responsible for her grief for a long time on top of my own complicated feelings about being childless as I got older- mainly feeling misunderstood and left out of my friend group.
I asked my husband one day if he felt bad about not giving his mother a grandchild, and he literally shrugged and said "Not really. It's our life." I was blown away by the lack of space this issue had taken up in his brain while I had felt the near constant weight of it. It's unsurprising but interesting how the burden of this issue usually falls to the woman.
I eventually realized that it was not my responsibility to make her a grandma, but I do think our relationship has suffered. I think it is easier to blame others than to sit with your own grief. I also think it is cruel to suggest or remind someone that they would have been a good parent- a kind of backhanded compliment that you possess great traits but they are wasted on remaining childless.
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry to read of your experiences and I'm also sorry to read of your accident. It sounds like we endured similar pressure - my ex was also an only child, so the pressure was all on me. Infact, the very first piece (out of over 50) that I wrote about being childfree and not wanting children centred on my ex MIL and all the pressure she put me under.
It's very interesting the way your hubby has barely given it a thought and it hasn't impacted him. I think that's a male privilege if I'm honest. It's always us women who are judged more, or held accountable for these sorts of decisions in a relationships.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that over time, the weight of that pressure and responsibility starts to feel less heavy.
I remember the first time my grandmother told me that I was selfish for not wanting children because "I would make such a good mother." I was around fifteen. My response was, "yeah, and I would make a great rocket scientist too, but I don't like physics." To me it feels not only cruel but senseless to suggest that I, or other people with uteruses, have a responsibility to do this one particular thing just because we would be good at it. I would be good at a lot of things, if I wanted to put the time and care into doing them!
And I am sure that your kindness, patience, care, and whatever traits she saw as "motherly" are not wasted, but used in other relationships (hopefully respectful and joyful relationships) in your life.
Thanks Jenna for your compassion and sharing your experiences here. I used to think I would make a great mum too. But the truth is - as uncomfortable as it is to admit this - I wouldn’t have. And children deserve more than that. :-)
And I think (and hopefully a lot of other people think) that's totally fine! I guess the point I was trying to make is that if I wanted to work towards motherhood, I probably could become good at it, in the same way that I have worked towards other passions. But since I have no interest in motherhood in the "birthing and raising a biological child" sense, I think that I, too, would not be a good mother. The word "good" is so often defined as "skilled," but I think a well-rounded definition of "good" should also include getting joy out of the activity. I would much rather work at building the skills that bring me joy -- and the birthing and raising of a tiny human is definitely a charge that should be undertaken with informed, considered joy!
My mother-in-law also desperately wanted grandchildren and since my husband is an only child, it fell solely on us to make her dreams come true. There was only one problem- neither of us wanted children. With every not-so-subtle hint about her future grandkids, we tried to gently remind her of this fact. She mostly ignored us- staring back at us silently before pointedly walking out of the room as if to pretend she didn't hear us so it couldn't be true, or she would brush off our feelings and tell us we would change our minds eventually.
Well, not only did we not change our minds, but I also suffered an accident that left me incapable of carrying a child. She backed off after that, but her comments about "what good parents we would have been" cut even deeper. I shudder to think what would have continued to be said if we had remained childless purely by choice and not also by circumstance. The physical barrier at least gave her an excuse to share with her friends that was more socially acceptable.
I felt responsible for her grief for a long time on top of my own complicated feelings about being childless as I got older- mainly feeling misunderstood and left out of my friend group.
I asked my husband one day if he felt bad about not giving his mother a grandchild, and he literally shrugged and said "Not really. It's our life." I was blown away by the lack of space this issue had taken up in his brain while I had felt the near constant weight of it. It's unsurprising but interesting how the burden of this issue usually falls to the woman.
I eventually realized that it was not my responsibility to make her a grandma, but I do think our relationship has suffered. I think it is easier to blame others than to sit with your own grief. I also think it is cruel to suggest or remind someone that they would have been a good parent- a kind of backhanded compliment that you possess great traits but they are wasted on remaining childless.
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry to read of your experiences and I'm also sorry to read of your accident. It sounds like we endured similar pressure - my ex was also an only child, so the pressure was all on me. Infact, the very first piece (out of over 50) that I wrote about being childfree and not wanting children centred on my ex MIL and all the pressure she put me under.
It's very interesting the way your hubby has barely given it a thought and it hasn't impacted him. I think that's a male privilege if I'm honest. It's always us women who are judged more, or held accountable for these sorts of decisions in a relationships.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that over time, the weight of that pressure and responsibility starts to feel less heavy.
I remember the first time my grandmother told me that I was selfish for not wanting children because "I would make such a good mother." I was around fifteen. My response was, "yeah, and I would make a great rocket scientist too, but I don't like physics." To me it feels not only cruel but senseless to suggest that I, or other people with uteruses, have a responsibility to do this one particular thing just because we would be good at it. I would be good at a lot of things, if I wanted to put the time and care into doing them!
And I am sure that your kindness, patience, care, and whatever traits she saw as "motherly" are not wasted, but used in other relationships (hopefully respectful and joyful relationships) in your life.
Thanks Jenna for your compassion and sharing your experiences here. I used to think I would make a great mum too. But the truth is - as uncomfortable as it is to admit this - I wouldn’t have. And children deserve more than that. :-)
And I think (and hopefully a lot of other people think) that's totally fine! I guess the point I was trying to make is that if I wanted to work towards motherhood, I probably could become good at it, in the same way that I have worked towards other passions. But since I have no interest in motherhood in the "birthing and raising a biological child" sense, I think that I, too, would not be a good mother. The word "good" is so often defined as "skilled," but I think a well-rounded definition of "good" should also include getting joy out of the activity. I would much rather work at building the skills that bring me joy -- and the birthing and raising of a tiny human is definitely a charge that should be undertaken with informed, considered joy!
Awesome article, Ali, thanks.🙏
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it Sheila. :-)