Why You Can’t Compromise Over Children — Especially as a Woman
Children deserve to be desperately wanted and deeply loved
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A man asking for a baby is like a child asking for a puppy.
And if a woman doesn’t want children and is persuaded to compromise and have just one, it will not bode well for anyone’s happiness, least of all the child’s.
I question whether women who ardently don’t want children can ever navigate into a healthy and happy life if they are persuaded to have them.
Because the truth is there is no compromise when it comes to children. Having just one child still constitutes becoming a parent. There is no in-between; you either have children or don’t.
And what if your heart is set on having children? Is it possible to forgo them with graceful acceptance if your partner doesn’t want them or can’t have them?
Children are not bargaining tools
Okay, okay, I concede, potentially, there may be scope for a man to compromise and have children even if he doesn’t want them because it is not his body that will bear the impact of pregnancy and childbirth.
Also, theoretically, fathers can be passengers in their children’s lives. And even though things are levelling out, the bulk of the childcare and emotional labour of raising children still falls to women.
But even if men concede and agree to have children they don’t want, I dare say this approach will bode well for anyone.
Then there are those men who convince the women in their lives to have children based on a promise that they will do the childcare or at least share the responsibility equally.
Yes, some men experience a snippet of just how hard raising a baby is, buckle, and try to renegade on their initial promises, which served as a verbal contract for having children in the first place.
The thing is, not wanting children is perfectly normal.
Yes, it is also normal to want children. And sadly, it’s all too common and normal to want them and be unable to have them for various reasons.
But what happens in a relationship when one person wants children, and the other doesn't?
For some people, this indicates incompatibility, and they break up.
When I met my husband, he presumed we would have children one day. Arriving at that conversation, all my fears amalgamated in the pit of my stomach; was my lack of desire for children going to cost me the best thing that had ever happened to me?
Reflecting on things, my husband realised that while he always thought he would have children because that’s just what you do, he wasn’t desperate for them. He chose me and a life without children over the possibility of maybe having children — because remember, there are no guarantees.
You could say he surrendered his wishes, but truthfully, he thinks he dodged a bullet.
His internal investigation had him questioning whether he really wanted them or if he had been indoctrinated by pronatalism into thinking he wanted them.
Ultimately, he didn’t want them enough to sever our relationship.
And even though my husband came to this decision himself, he still considers himself as childless by circumstances, while I say I’m childfree by choice. However, in reality, I don’t feel it’s been a choice; it’s who I am.
Sure, healthy relationships are full of compromise. Where to live, how to decorate the house, what to have for dinner, where to holiday, what car to drive, how to spend Sundays. All of these choices require compromise.
However, the consequences of these relatively small compromises are inconsequential.
There are grave consequences to everyone, including the children, when talks of bringing children into the world become negotiations of bargaining and persuasion rather than a mutual desire to have a baby.
There’s trauma in being an unwanted child
I know what it is like to be an unwanted child.
One of my parents wanted four children, and the other wanted two. So they decided to compromise and have three. In theory, this is a type of compromise that could work.
However, out popped twins.
As the youngest of the twins, I was surplus and extra. Loved by one parent and resented by the other.
I was raised always feeling and knowing I was at the bottom of my dad’s pecking order — his least favourite child. Feeling unwanted by him has had huge ramifications on my sense of worth, well-being, self-esteem, and overall belonging in this world.
My feelings are indicative of the bigger picture, as feeling unloved and unwanted as a child can lead to depression in adulthood.
Children deserve better than this.
I also believe women deserve better than this because there are countless women out there who have children despite not wanting them.
Women are put under pressure to have children by partners, society, parents and in-laws. Believe me, I know this pressure all too well. My ex-mother-in-law begged me to have a baby.
In the book Regretting Motherhood by Orna Donath, the author embraces a candid journey of conversations with 23 women about the complex ways they regret becoming mothers.
That is not to say these women don’t love their children, just that if they had their time again, they wouldn’t have had them.
These women describe a life of lacking and longing.
They also express their frustration at betraying themselves, as many of them knew in their hearts that they didn’t want children, but they went ahead anyway, believing the old trope of “It’s different when it’s your own” or “Having children will bring deep happiness.”
Speaking of regret, sure, there is a chance that one day, I may regret not having children. But given I don’t want children and never have done, wouldn’t it be ludicrous to have children as an insurance policy in case I experience regret later in life?
Parental regret exists and is more common than you may realise. But it’s deeply stigmatised. Figures are tricky to obtain as few parents are open about their regrets. Statistics from Germany showcase the prevalence of parental regret, with 18% of adults regretting becoming parents.
There’s also a Facebook group with over 74 thousand members dedicated to regretful parents.
Does your authentic self actually want children?
All the pressure to have children, with guarantees of unconditional love, unending joy and a VIP ticket to the next level of actualisation, miss one thing out. If these promises don’t come to fruition, you are stuck. There is no going back.
Once a parent, always a parent. Especially for women.
In his book How to Love, the Zen Master, Thich Nhat Han recommends that hopeful parents spend a year exploring what life may look like with children and pondering whether parenting is their true calling.
Expanding on the wise words of Thich Nhat Han, I encourage everyone to consider what they have to give to a child, over and above what they may stand to gain from them.
Because, in reality, only a small percentage of life with children involves romanticised scenes of bedtime stories, snuggles, and contagious giggling.
And if, after deep, conscious reflection, you find yourself with an unquenching desire to have or not have children, that there is your authentic yearning.
But please, please, be wary of compromising. Because as we’ve explored, compromising over children is really not a compromise at all.
I think we could save ourselves a huge amount of heartache by having the baby talk early on in relationships. Do you want children? Do you know if you can have them?
And what happens if you are one of the 15% of couples unable to conceive in the first year? Are you both in agreement about the measures you are willing to take to try to become parents?
My husband and I have done enough talking, examining, reflecting and soul-searching to ensure he doesn’t resent me 10 years down the road.
And still, the conversation never stops; occasionally, we check in to ensure we are still on the same page.
As I always say, if you want children and will be a good parent, I sincerely hope you will have them. If you don’t want children, my wish for you is that your choice is respected and accepted.
I’m curious: presuming this is a choice, and there are no issues with infertility, do you think a happily ever after is possible if we surrender our wishes around children to please our partner?
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