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We did things a little bit differently for this Substack LIVE. My friend Charlie Brown, who is also an editor and writer at Life Without Children, interviewed me.
One thing that comes up regularly in discussions about people without kids, sometimes said innocuously and other times with resentment, is the topic of time. And as I say in this discussion with Charlie, as the divide between people with kids and those without increases, barbed comments about people without kids having endless time have become a bit of a social media trend.
Usually, I just roll my eyes at these sorts of comments and feel sorry for the person making them, because they are clearly suffering.
But I felt compelled to write on this topic after seeing a viral video from someone called Danielle, saying:
I don’t think people without kids realise how much free time they have. I mean they are practically on vacation 24/7.
You can read my piece here.
No, People Without Kids Don’t Have Unlimited Free Time
And anyone trying to say so is doing the patriarchy’s bidding
On the one hand, I have no sympathy, as surely to god, those opting in to having kids know that raising kids requires time (and lots of patience), and by choosing to have kids, that is something they are choosing to do with their time.
On the other hand, I really feel for those caught up in the time wars discourse. Do they feel conned? Maybe they didn’t realise just how time-consuming raising children would be, maybe they don’t like spending time with their kids, maybe they were taken in by the romanticisation and glorification of motherhood, only to arrive at the destination and learn it is nothing like the brochure.
Ultimately, I feel people like Danielle are angry. They’re angry that they don’t have time to do other things outside of raising children. And I feel for people in these situations. They’ve a right to be angry. I’d be angry too. But the tricky thing is, they are taking their anger out on the wrong people. These people are angry at those of us without kids, whereas they should be angry at their partner for not taking an equal share of the child-rearing.
Or as Charlie often says, perhaps they should blame the system, not the person.
Perhaps they should be angry at pronatalism for selling them a dummy. For capitalism and its exhausting cycle of more. At the patriarchy for the bull shit gender roles of parenting. And at the combination of all of these, for the insanely unrealistic expectations on mothers.
I’m sure some men do comment on it, but I rarely hear men make barbed and presumptive comments about people without kids and time.
It is exhausting being a woman. Whether we are mothers or not, it is fucking exhausting. I so wish we wouldn’t allow ourselves to be pitted against each other.
Morality hierarchy and time
All those who are commenting about the time of people without kids in a sort of sniggering, patronising and condescending manner are really just wanting to be seen. To be recognised for doing their motherly duty. Yet they are suffering, and so they go on the attack.
I know, I know their behaviour lacks self-awareness, but if you think about it, it’s classic bully tactics.
They themselves are feeling all kinds of complex emotions about having kids, and the idea of some people not having to endure what they are is confronting. They did what they were supposed to do to become an adult, to be fulfilled, to find meaning, but it doesn’t feel as promised. People finding happiness in their lives without children highlights that those angry about their lack of time actually had a choice and that their life could have been just as good - a different type of good - without kids. Gasp, imagine that!
One way to deal with this complexity of thought is to belittle and undermine people without kids. To ridicule and infantilise us. To create a morality hierarchy of time, which puts raising children at the top and anything else below. Far, far below.
But let me be very clear. We are all different. What you do with your time is your business. It is for no one to judge or assign their view of morality or meaning to. And here’s the other kicker: we don’t need to justify how we spend our time to anyone.
Ultimately, if someone with kids actually wants to know what people without kids do with their time, they can ask in an open, curious, interested way. They can ask without sanctimony.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if the Danielle’s out there adopted more of a women supporting women mindset instead of allowing themselves to be tools chiselling the chasm deeper that sits between people with kids and those without.
What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts, leave a comment and add to the conversation.
It just so happens that the January creative prompt for Life Without Children is all about how people without children spend their time. Check out the prompt and I’d love to see your response.
Life Without Children Monthly Review and January Prompt
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