If you are enjoying the monthly Substack LIVE discussions with our writers, please consider becoming a paid subscriber or buy me a coffee. Alternatively, liking, sharing and commenting are great ways to show your appreciation.
I could listen to Charlie Brown for hours. She speaks so much sense, and she’s not afraid of calling out pronatalist bull shit.
Charlie is in a unique position: someone who didn’t want kids, then changed her mind and decided to try to have them, but right now the universe has other plans for her, and she remains without kids. She has explored most of her options and may well consider donor eggs.
What I love and appreciate about Charlie’s writing is the way she holds space for those of us who don’t have kids by choice, while also having visceral knowledge of what it’s like not to have kids not by choice. She has lived both lives. This is rare.
So if anyone would know first-hand the different responses we receive when we say we don’t have kids because we don’t want them, versus because we can’t have them, it’s her.
Our Substack LIVE discussion centred around this phenomenal piece of writing There Is a Big, Uncomfortable Reason Why Some Women Don’t Have Children. So far, it has been read over 13,000 times.
We discussed the reasons behind society being more comfortable with hearing tangible reasons as to why women in particular don’t have kids - infertility, career, no partner, health - anything is more readily accepted over and above “I just don’t want them.”
Charlie shared with us that now, when she tells people she can’t have kids, she gets a completely different reaction than when she told people she didn’t want them. She isn’t treated like a monster. There is a quiet nod, an “at least you tried to do the right thing” sort of vibe.
It seems the journey of how we come about our lives without kids matters to others still, even though the end result is the same.
Charlie and I acknowledged that having the choice not to have kids is a privilege, which is not to be mistaken for not being able to have kids, which absolutely is not a privilege.
Reflecting upon the success of this piece, we believe it is simply down to it resonating with so many. There are many people in this position who don’t want kids. And that’s okay.
And you know what else, as Charlie and I discussed, if you choose not to have kids, this doesn’t mean you have to do something exceptional with your life. We can be very average, normal people and not have kids.
There seems to be this silent rule that if you don’t have kids, you have to do something instead, as if you have to earn your place in this world.
I shared a story from a time I won an ultra race, and someone I knew responded to this information with “Well, I guess you don’t have kids”, completely taking away from my achievement. I have to admit, I was that dickhead who told her that some of the best runners in the ultra world have kids. Because I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of having my achievements belittled or overlooked, simply because I don’t have kids.
We discussed how, in articles as successful as hers, the comments section is often full of golden nuggets. I read out a comment by Substack user Debbie, which addresses values and ultimately says there is no wrong or right way of being - whether someone wants kids or not - but if we want our values to align with a partner, there is a wrong or right person for us.
This led me to ask Charlie about how she and her husband navigated their relationship and the shift in values when they decided to start trying for children, after being firmly in the “we’re not having kids ever” camp.
Give this a listen, tell us what you think?
Useful links
You can find more of Charlie’s writing on Substack via her food and drink publication The Sauce, and also her personal essays and life observation publication, This Much I Know.
Charlie is also an editor at Life Without Children over at Medium, and I am hugely grateful for the editing of my own work.
Here are some of my favourite pieces of writing by Charlie.
Why We Must Stop Assuming the Fertility-Challenged Eventually Get “Their Miracle Baby”.
Are People Really Not Having Children Because of the State of the World?
I hope you enjoy watching this discussion as much as we enjoyed having it.
We have an exciting schedule of LIVE discussions coming up. Pop these in your calendar, and if you have any burning questions you would like me to pose to any of these writers, please drop them in the comments here.
Thursday, 15th January at 18:00 (GMT+1), with Ali Hall & Charlie Brown
Discussing Ali’s article (yet to be published - keep an eye out for it arriving in your inbox): No, People Without Children Don’t Have Unlimited Free Time.
Join this discussion via the LIVE link here.
If you know anyone else who may benefit from Life Without Children, please tell them about us.
You can find us in other online spaces.
How to Write with Us | Instagram | Substack | Medium | Threads
