This was beautifully written and it sounds like you have a gem in Tiff. As a fellow childless by choice chic, I too have been in so many of these situations.
I tried the curiosity piece. Unfortunately, with some "friends," they were never curious back... and I tired of engaging in one sided conversations about topics I truly didn't care about (sorry, not sorry). The relationship slowly became Facebook only. To be fair, there are plenty of childless people who also lack curiosity about other people... I let their friendships dissolve too.
I read an article recently about "Main Character syndrome" - so many people feel they're living as the main character in a movie and don't give a darn about anyone else. They have speakerphone conversations in coffee shops, they let their phone ding notifications throughout the yoga class, and they play their bluetooth music amplified on the trail.
To your points, maybe if more of us used curiosity and empathy in our relationships, we wouldn't suffer from Main Character Syndrome and would be able to cultivate deeper, symbiotic friendships.
It takes a lot of courage to say “sorry, not sorry” and walk away from relationships that don’t honor your time and curiosity. I think many of us have been there, stuck in conversations we didn’t want to be part of, just trying to keep the peace or hoping for change.
We live in a culture that often encourages self-centeredness, and it really does interfere with the kind of reciprocity that makes friendships meaningful.
If more of us could practice empathy and genuine curiosity, like you said, maybe friendships wouldn’t feel so transactional
Real friendship doesn’t need constant upkeep, it just is.
Yes reciprocity is what it is about - I said the same to a friend not so long ago - we are both childless - haven't seen her for a while but we've both become a lot busier!
Very interesting. I'm at the grandmother or great-grandmother age (no kids) and recently one of my closest friends had her first grandchild. I was selfishly sad as I knew I was going to lose her for a while as she no longer wanted to travel with me, saving her money instead for trips to see the new baby. Her priorities changed, of course, and I understood, but still felt sad at my "loss".
I really appreciate the invitation to approach these kinds of relationships with the empathy paradox. Curiosity seems like a helpful way to continue cultivating the relationship, especially this way - "I asked questions like a curious anthropologist studying a new culture." There is so much to explore in the living human document. Thanks for this!
Appreciate this so much, bro. I’ve found that when I enter with curiosity instead of certainty, I’m less likely to make assumptions and more likely to be surprised in the best way. Happy Happy Monday!
I absolutely adored every word. Your opening is perfection - practicing the right amount of excitement before stepping into the new-mom vortex. Gosh, that made me chuckle. I love your idea of being an anthropologist. As a curious person and now-writer, that's truly how I feel most of my discussions are - not always trying to find common ground and then "yeah now let's bring the conversation back to me," but instead, always trying to understand more and be curious. I think you're onto something here, because all friends can for-sure relate to this social issue, especially women - and not only those child-free by choice, but also those who can't conceive and have to face these same changing friendships. Good stuff!
I became a mom at 45 so I totally understand this. It's sad bit it's inevitable, I think. Becoming a mom changes you ALOT. And friendships will change too, inevitably. 💜
I'm lucky enough to have a couple of loooooong standing friends who I don't see that often, but when we do get together it's like we've never been apart.
same Tina - Most of my friends are from highschool and they all live in Trinidad. 37 years of friendship. When we get together it’s like no time has passed. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Love it Neela! Friendship is a precious precious thing that like all precious things needs to be cared for, for a long long time. I now have friendships that have spanned 60 or more years. Some aged well, others more difficult. In my current season of life I value these friendships more and more. Thank you for your refreshing and so beautifully considered perspective.
This took me back to the time I had to psych myself up to meet my closest school friend’s eight month old and I wasn’t even married 😁 Brilliant piece looking at friendship from different points. Thank you 💙
I have experienced divergence and withering even of friendships. Some partings even hurt but then one reminds oneself that it hurts because it mattered and if it did even for some period of time it was worth it.
We all deserve to live a life that makes sense to us, Neela, even if that means not fitting the mold of others. You already know my stance on that topic. Great piece, sis! :)
A child free person complements the counterpart perfectly! A relationship may still continue when one side of the equation still has some time on their hand to compensate for the other.
Life is such a balancing act and far too short to not be willing to put the effort into friends - is this an updated post Neela - it felt familiar but I can't put my finger on it
Very true David. I feel like you must have read it a year ago when I posted in Ali's pub on Medium. She reposted as is here. Thank you for the support friend ❤️☕
As a fellow woman childfree by choice, I always love when there is representation for this topic. Because at times it can feel like an anomaly. My last straw was at lunch when my girlfriends started talking of poop textures, that’s when I founded by group - Unboxed collective for those who don't fit in the societal boxes🌸. Looking for my Tiff, Neela😁.
Thank you for sharing this, sis. Now that makes so much sense. It’s a relief to know there are spaces where people truly get it, and can laugh about the crazy stuff like poop textures! That would be my final straw too hahahahaha.
Thank you for publishing my work, Ali. I hope you have a fantastic week ahead :)
Thank you for sharing your work with us at LWC! It’s an honour to publish your work 😀
Thank you so much Ali :)
Did you see my NOTE today about BLACK on WHITE?
This was beautifully written and it sounds like you have a gem in Tiff. As a fellow childless by choice chic, I too have been in so many of these situations.
I tried the curiosity piece. Unfortunately, with some "friends," they were never curious back... and I tired of engaging in one sided conversations about topics I truly didn't care about (sorry, not sorry). The relationship slowly became Facebook only. To be fair, there are plenty of childless people who also lack curiosity about other people... I let their friendships dissolve too.
I read an article recently about "Main Character syndrome" - so many people feel they're living as the main character in a movie and don't give a darn about anyone else. They have speakerphone conversations in coffee shops, they let their phone ding notifications throughout the yoga class, and they play their bluetooth music amplified on the trail.
To your points, maybe if more of us used curiosity and empathy in our relationships, we wouldn't suffer from Main Character Syndrome and would be able to cultivate deeper, symbiotic friendships.
It takes a lot of courage to say “sorry, not sorry” and walk away from relationships that don’t honor your time and curiosity. I think many of us have been there, stuck in conversations we didn’t want to be part of, just trying to keep the peace or hoping for change.
We live in a culture that often encourages self-centeredness, and it really does interfere with the kind of reciprocity that makes friendships meaningful.
If more of us could practice empathy and genuine curiosity, like you said, maybe friendships wouldn’t feel so transactional
Real friendship doesn’t need constant upkeep, it just is.
Thank you so much for taking the time Karen.
Yes reciprocity is what it is about - I said the same to a friend not so long ago - we are both childless - haven't seen her for a while but we've both become a lot busier!
It takes two hands to clap in relationships and then life happens.
I keep reminding myself that friendship doesn't always mean frequency.
Most of my longtime friends live in another country, and we Zoom a few times a year, but when we meet up, it feels like no time has passed.
I appreciate you taking the time :)
Very interesting. I'm at the grandmother or great-grandmother age (no kids) and recently one of my closest friends had her first grandchild. I was selfishly sad as I knew I was going to lose her for a while as she no longer wanted to travel with me, saving her money instead for trips to see the new baby. Her priorities changed, of course, and I understood, but still felt sad at my "loss".
Totally understand this, Diana. Even when we get the change, it doesn't make the emotional adjustment any easier.
I really appreciate the invitation to approach these kinds of relationships with the empathy paradox. Curiosity seems like a helpful way to continue cultivating the relationship, especially this way - "I asked questions like a curious anthropologist studying a new culture." There is so much to explore in the living human document. Thanks for this!
Appreciate this so much, bro. I’ve found that when I enter with curiosity instead of certainty, I’m less likely to make assumptions and more likely to be surprised in the best way. Happy Happy Monday!
I absolutely adored every word. Your opening is perfection - practicing the right amount of excitement before stepping into the new-mom vortex. Gosh, that made me chuckle. I love your idea of being an anthropologist. As a curious person and now-writer, that's truly how I feel most of my discussions are - not always trying to find common ground and then "yeah now let's bring the conversation back to me," but instead, always trying to understand more and be curious. I think you're onto something here, because all friends can for-sure relate to this social issue, especially women - and not only those child-free by choice, but also those who can't conceive and have to face these same changing friendships. Good stuff!
Hi Joe,
Thank you for such a thoughtful read and response!
That ‘new-mom vortex’ line came from a very real place 😅
I think curiosity is the underrated glue in adult friendships.
Have the best week ahead, friend :)
I became a mom at 45 so I totally understand this. It's sad bit it's inevitable, I think. Becoming a mom changes you ALOT. And friendships will change too, inevitably. 💜
I imagine becoming a mom at 45 brought its own unique layers, too.
Appreciate you sharing June 💜
Have a good week ahead.
I'm lucky enough to have a couple of loooooong standing friends who I don't see that often, but when we do get together it's like we've never been apart.
same Tina - Most of my friends are from highschool and they all live in Trinidad. 37 years of friendship. When we get together it’s like no time has passed. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Love it Neela! Friendship is a precious precious thing that like all precious things needs to be cared for, for a long long time. I now have friendships that have spanned 60 or more years. Some aged well, others more difficult. In my current season of life I value these friendships more and more. Thank you for your refreshing and so beautifully considered perspective.
Happy weekend Ian :)
I hope you had a good week.
What a gift to have friendships that have stretched across six decades. Like fine wine, some sweeten with time, others turn, but all leave their mark.
Thank you always for your kind words :)
This took me back to the time I had to psych myself up to meet my closest school friend’s eight month old and I wasn’t even married 😁 Brilliant piece looking at friendship from different points. Thank you 💙
I have experienced divergence and withering even of friendships. Some partings even hurt but then one reminds oneself that it hurts because it mattered and if it did even for some period of time it was worth it.
That’s such a beautiful way to look at it.
Friendships that fade still leave their mark because they were real for a time. Amazing.
Appreciate you taking the time, Priyanka.
Have the best weekend.
Always 🙂 Hope you have a good one too!
thank you so much.
We all deserve to live a life that makes sense to us, Neela, even if that means not fitting the mold of others. You already know my stance on that topic. Great piece, sis! :)
You always get me, sis!
Here’s to living life our way, no molds required. Love yah! 💖
Appreciate the restack!
Fake close. A lot of people think friends are their cronies from the pub or similar.
I think friendship means different things to different people, and sometimes those ‘cronies’ are exactly what we need in a given season.
How true - times change in life.
this is true.
Have a great weekend.
Thanks!
A child free person complements the counterpart perfectly! A relationship may still continue when one side of the equation still has some time on their hand to compensate for the other.
Relationships thrive when both sides recognize and support each other’s needs. I think this applies to every relationship. Happy weekend Ty :)
Life is such a balancing act and far too short to not be willing to put the effort into friends - is this an updated post Neela - it felt familiar but I can't put my finger on it
Very true David. I feel like you must have read it a year ago when I posted in Ali's pub on Medium. She reposted as is here. Thank you for the support friend ❤️☕
You’re on fire this week
I just realized this is not the notes feed so I can't share my 🐈🔥GIF 😂
As a fellow woman childfree by choice, I always love when there is representation for this topic. Because at times it can feel like an anomaly. My last straw was at lunch when my girlfriends started talking of poop textures, that’s when I founded by group - Unboxed collective for those who don't fit in the societal boxes🌸. Looking for my Tiff, Neela😁.
Thank you for sharing this, sis. Now that makes so much sense. It’s a relief to know there are spaces where people truly get it, and can laugh about the crazy stuff like poop textures! That would be my final straw too hahahahaha.
Thank you for taking the time, sis.
We all evolve at different speeds and with different purposes don't we. Another masterpiece Sis!
We sure do - thank you for taking the time bro.
Happy Friday…
Always a pleasure Sis! Happy Friday Eve to you! Keep smiling!
I absolutely love this Neela.
I wrote this for Ali maybe over a year now.
I am so happy she resurrected.
Thank you for taking the time Kim.